condition of the season..

my spouse told me that having allergies was considered to be cool once. because it would prove that the person has never dealt with household chores nor field cropping thus making him an aristocrat. in that sense, allergies was associated with the elite.
whoever said that either did not have any allergies or thought that aristocrats looked cool when they hid their faces or eyes. but there is a reason for irrelevant yet necessary wear of big hats, veils of tulle, or eyepatches.
alas, the sunglasses of our everyday lives.
ask a person who suffers from allergies. first off, you are sneezing or coughing all the time . you are highly congested and cannot breathe right. if you have allergic conjunctivitis, on top of all this, suffering has just begun.the itching, watering, red lining in your eyes is so strong that you cannot think of anything else. your whole body wants to turn into a finger and itch that eye. your brain is throbbing with urge to itch rather than pain or misery. even though you know if you start you won't be able to stop and in the end your eyes will swell up and sealed with burr. you itch anyway. that is how strong the feeling is. it's more pressing than lust or anger or joy.
hence the sunglasses. even if it's 45F outside and raining, you wear them. because your eyes look ridiculous like you've come out of a fight. that's why the sunglasses are expensive. they are deemed to be cool. because they are associated with aristocracy. because the aristocrats had allergies and could not take them off.

ode to my friends

wow! i've been writing so dark. so time to cheer up..i would like you to meet my gals.

i still hang out with my friends from high school. they are funny and unique bunch of people. we try to come together whenever i go back to istanbul. but, i'm not the only one living abroad. one lives in london. and the other is in africa for the last couple of months. the other six have been in istanbul for the most part of their lives.
it's been a pleasure for me to watch them grow in the last 20 years. but, it's not their careers, successful marriages, or great children that make them beautiful. it's the bond between us. after 5 years of not seeing one another (me and the london lady) we started from where we left off, as if we've been in the same room all this time.
we are so different from one another when it comes to idelogical or personal matters. yet we are very similar. we blend well together.
one is eternally depressed, the other is mercilessly trapped,
one is unbelievably positive, the other is incredibly spiritual,
one is social for some reason, the other is an ever-changing iguana,
one is breathtakingly intrepid, the other is painfully apathetic,
one is sickeningly loving..at the end of the day all of us are trying to get through the day.

poem of the day

i could never write serious poetry. whenever i tried, the first verse would be warm and sincere. second somewhat in the middle, then would give in to temptation to be foolish in an attempt to cover deeply rooted feelings. at that point i generally wouldn't bear to let everything hang out and the poem-in-progress would turn into something funny. i'm not a comic but i would add jokes here and there and close the blinds on the subject for another time. here, i would be very brave and put out a poem i wrote a while back.
p.s: i can't even imagine writing poetry in another language other than your own.
so..

nereye estigini bilmedigim ruzgar..
aklimi cel, kafami al, ama izin verme
birak caresizligime kol kanat germe
esintin icinde kaybet, bellegimi kurut
bogazin yanmasini, dilin kurumasini
gozlerin delifisek haylazliginda tut
alginin perdesi yok, cekmesen de olur
ne hissedersen, neye inanirsan odur
alacagini al, birak yaralari kanatma
uctum saniyor bu divane yandirma
ruzgarin seyrine kapilmak icten degil
seyri hos eyle, beni yalniz basina sefil

dissapointed in humanity

i'm having trouble understanding people.
a while ago a friend told me that my writing turned gloomy. i thought about it and decided that i was not less optimistic than before, but needed to write when something felt wrong.
now, something is awfully wrong.
..
...

there she is again. the weather is heavenly, sea is magnificent and i'm enjoying myself. life couldn't be any better.
she looks very comfortable with her family and friends. she chats a lot, smiles a lot, and is unbelievably lovely and down to earth in this cockiness...definitely a breath of fresh air.
i have a pressing urge to get up and walk around when she is standing somewhere near. i want her to see me, to smile at me, and say something to me. i might be swagger with the way i dress and walk but this is what women want. i need to make some kind of contact with her. just look into her eyes and let her know. even if it takes the whole time we're both here.
..
she acts indifferently. i want her to look at me and see me for once goddammit. she generally sits and reads in the breeze where the other guys are playing volleyball. this is a great opportunity. so i take off my shirt rather arrogantly and join the play. she will definitely look at me now.
..
there are mixed signs. she says hi. but she says that to everybody. to me, she also bowed her head a little. yes, she is interested.
...
she is alone in the park. i should follow her closely and whenever i find an opportunity i need to let her know. but how do i do it?
..
she is at the beach, timing is perfect.
i almost sneak up on her and in an amateurish way hold out a piece of paper and say "i think you dropped this".
finally she looks at me and sees me for who i really am.
goddamit. even her sunglasses are icy cold. with a deadly serious tone, she says "no".
what in the world is happening?
there were signs. she should have been into me.
i was completely baffled and immersed in my own thoughts when my 6 year old daughter said "dad, it's time to go. mom is waiting in the car with my brother."

comment of the day

is there no right or wrong? can anything and everything be subjective?

even the most condemned act across all sorts of religions and ideological views on all moral grounds, which is supposed to be killing innocent people, can be subjective for the "fair" media.

this is the world we live in today.

if whoever has strong lobby-ing skills can go around twisting the truth then why bother trying to "fit" in?

no matter how much you try, you will never fit in unless you change who you are.
and if you end up changing yourself; what you believe in, how you react to events around you, how you dress, how you live your life, and such.. then it's fine, because you would not be desperately trying anymore. you're already evolved with necessary justifications along the way to keep your mental health intact.
however, if you are still in a great dilemma as to be having all these "right" ideas while consistently living in "wrong" places to express them, try opening up your mouth for a change. because, unless you truly accept who you are nobody is sincerely gonna be nice to you. you would always wonder about the "other" motives behind others' acts.
so do it. utter the words; say what you really believe. hmm you might be an outcast for a while, but it will pass. at least people will accept who you are, where you come from, and respect what you think.
"you're different" and "not like the others like you" would not be a compliment anymore. you would be free of the sub-consciously engraved complex for your "kind". you can hang out with whoever you want without suspicion to lose yourself, because you have just found yourself.

icimden geldi

i can't easily make friends.
-my daughter is the contrary. she communicates with people; touches them, waves at them, makes eye contact, calls out their name, smiles a lot..whatever it takes.

i don't really care about what the others think about me.
-my daughter does. she wants people to like her and is a petite buffoon walking around charming humankind.

i don't miss people.
-my daughter picks up the phone and goes through photos of relatives and friends she saw for only a handful of times, expressing various sounds of joy.

following on the previous note, i am not that loyal either. i don't feel the urge to call someone.
-following on the previous note, my daughter asks me to call someone. also, she does not forget people who have brought her presents.

i like my privacy.
-my daughter does not; she literally pokes my eyes to wake me up.

i'm cool.
-my daughter is cooler.

i am going to be 31 years old and turned out OK.
-my daughter is going to be 21 months old, and i hope she turns out to be a much better person than i am.

note of the day

people shouldn't post their newborns' pics seconds after they're born!!
parents claim it is memorable and beautiful. it IS memorable indeed, but not for all the facebook community. come on!
and it might seem as a surprise to some, but it is not all so beautiful and fairy-tales. baby has possibly underwent the biggest trauma of her life and looks out of this world.. mother looks awfully tired (wonder why) and disastrous.
hence this appearance SHOULD not be made public.