i'm having trouble understanding people.
a while ago a friend told me that my writing turned gloomy. i thought about it and decided that i was not less optimistic than before, but needed to write when something felt wrong.
now, something is awfully wrong.
..
...
there she is again. the weather is heavenly, sea is magnificent and i'm enjoying myself. life couldn't be any better.
she looks very comfortable with her family and friends. she chats a lot, smiles a lot, and is unbelievably lovely and down to earth in this cockiness...definitely a breath of fresh air.
i have a pressing urge to get up and walk around when she is standing somewhere near. i want her to see me, to smile at me, and say something to me. i might be swagger with the way i dress and walk but this is what women want. i need to make some kind of contact with her. just look into her eyes and let her know. even if it takes the whole time we're both here.
..
she acts indifferently. i want her to look at me and see me for once goddammit. she generally sits and reads in the breeze where the other guys are playing volleyball. this is a great opportunity. so i take off my shirt rather arrogantly and join the play. she will definitely look at me now.
..
there are mixed signs. she says hi. but she says that to everybody. to me, she also bowed her head a little. yes, she is interested.
...
she is alone in the park. i should follow her closely and whenever i find an opportunity i need to let her know. but how do i do it?
..
she is at the beach, timing is perfect.
i almost sneak up on her and in an amateurish way hold out a piece of paper and say "i think you dropped this".
finally she looks at me and sees me for who i really am.
goddamit. even her sunglasses are icy cold. with a deadly serious tone, she says "no".
what in the world is happening?
there were signs. she should have been into me.
i was completely baffled and immersed in my own thoughts when my 6 year old daughter said "dad, it's time to go. mom is waiting in the car with my brother."